Al B: Facing Fear

"When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."

A friend of mine recently tweeted that quote by Audre Lorde, and it immediately struck me. It reminded me of breakthrough moments in my professional life and when I competed in sports and achieved more than I originally thought possible.

If there is one thing that competing in and coaching sports has taught me, it is that we are sometimes far more capable than we allow ourselves to think; there are times when we accomplish more because we are pushed by some outside force -- coaches, competition, or circumstance -- and we recognize the myth of our own limits.

So what is it that blocks us -- that keeps us from realizing all that we have within?

Fear.

Al B: Questions Answered

Posted by Stephanie 11/09/09 3:49 PM
"I've been thinking about how I myself ignore my own intuition a lot lately. I am eighteen years old and growing up, my real father wanted to kill me when I was a kid, in sixth grade a group of boys used to throw (rocks) at me and leave bruises because I wasn't pretty enough, in seventh grade I was held down and punched repeatedly by a guy, and now I find myself navigating toward abusive guys instead of the good guys because its what I've become use to over the years.

I need advice."

Al B: Kemba Smith

While I was attending Hampton University (VA), a young woman who was also a student there gained national notoriety when she got caught up with the wrong guy and ended up being sentenced to 25 years without parole on drug trafficking charges.

Kemba Smith was not a drug dealer. She was just a girl who fell for a guy -- a bad guy. And though there were early signs that he was bad, Kemba was blinded by love and before she knew it, she was in controlling and abusive relationship. By time she figured out who he really was, she was a wanted fugitive. So when her boyfriend was murdered, Kemba became the target of government prosecution.

I was recently reminded of Kemba's story while reading news out of my hometown of Philadelphia, that more and more women (many single mothers) are being sent to jail for legally buying guns, but illegally giving them to husbands, boyfriends or significant others who would not be able to legally obtain guns on their own.

Whether it's the women featured in the newspaper or Kemba Smith, these stories are not new.

Al B: Dealing with Dysfunction

I am dyslexic.

That doesn't mean I'm dim, dumb or slow. It simply means that my brain processes information very differently than many of you. And it means that some everyday tasks you take for granted, create problems for me.

So what exactly is dyslexia?

Al B: Everyone Wants to Go to Heaven, But...

"Balloon Boy."

Everyone is talking about it. You can't watch TV or go online without seeing a reference to the story of the Heene family and the "hoax." And the now infamous CNN interview with six-year-old Falcon saying "We did it for the show." We did it for the show; that says it all doesn't it?

A couple, so desperate for celebrity, was willing to put their own young children smack in the middle of their stunt.

Al B: Walk on Water

So, you can walk on water, but why can't you swim?

You know, I really don't like it when you get a promotion or a major project assignment at work and people get mad at YOU because they thought they deserved it more. How about when a boss, teacher or coach chooses to single you out for recognition based on how THEY feel about your work or performance and people get mad at you saying that you didn't do enough to earn such praise. Don't you just hate when that happens.

Me too!

Al B: Keeping It Real Vs. Keeping It Real Dumb

Recently, Tyra conducted a social experiment giving us a view of people's prejudice towards those who are overweight.

It was clear to me early on that the hatred displayed by the women on the show was not a result of anything done by those they would call "fat," rather it was a reflection on them and their self-hatred. The fear and self-hate were worn as prominently as a hot new bag with matching shoes!

All forms of broad-based hate stem from some form of insecurity and fear. Something they lack inwardly manifests outwardly as hate, and since insecurity itself is irrational, the product of it can't help but reflect that. So when the guest Diana says, "fat people are lazy and disgusting" or Nikki stands up and yells, "LOSE THE WEIGHT!" -- they are actually yelling at themselves.

Tyra aptly pointed out that the anger was so intense because they are mad at themselves for once being overweight and afraid that it would happen again.

Al B: Keeping It Real... Dumb

Joe Wilson. Kanye West. Two names all over the news for speaking their mind in a moment they saw fit, and they have each since apologized.

Whether you believe their actions/words were justified or not, I think you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who believed them to be appropriate -- because they were not. Both circumstances involved a violation of written rules or unspoken etiquette or both.

Okay, so some people with some status did some things that were messed up, what does that have to do with me, you ask? Well, nothing -- yet everything. We all know someone (maybe it's ourselves) who proudly proclaims, "I keep it real! I tell it like it is and if people don't like it -- oh well. I'm going to be me!" Blah, blah, blah... What's wrong with that, you ask? The problem is that when people decide they are going speak their mind no matter what, it becomes an act of utter selfishness.

They decide in that moment that whatever is on their mind is so important to them, it must be shared without regard for the situation, the people or feelings involved.

*Your cousin decides that your birthday dinner is the best time to confront one of your friends about being a "ho."

*It's Christmas and your boyfriend's mother has cooked a special dinner and you mention that you can't eat her signature stuffing because it looks funny.

So where does this need to insert ourselves into everything come from you ask?

Al B: Advice to Sasha

I had another blog planned for this week, but after seeing a post by "Sasha" I felt it was important to address her issue. Thank you Sasha for being brave enough to reach out and ask for help.

Read on for my advice to Sasha.

Al B: Feelin' Some Kinda Way... About Communication

After watching the conflict between Chris Brown and Rhianna from afar, and participating in a panel discussion on domestic violence up-close, several things are evident; many young adults are unable to effectively communicate their feelings, and that lack of emotional articulation can contribute to emotional, verbal and physical abuse in a relationship. It's not all your fault though -- your would-be role models did not pass on these skills, because too many of our elders lack the ability to communicate themselves.

How do emotional awareness and communication contribute to domestic abuse? Some forms of abuse (clearly not all) occur simply because a partner wants it to be known that their feelings have been hurt for whatever reason. The inability 1) to identify internally how and why the emotional trauma occurred, and 2) to be able to fully articulate those how's and why's to the person responsible, results in a combustible combination of fear, pain and frustration that builds to the point that it can manifest itself outwardly as abuse.

Instead of saying "what you did/said really hurt my feelings because..." the hurt party lashes out to inflict more pain/hurt back at their partner by picking an argument, hurling insults or physically attacking them. What's worse, is that since the emotions and trauma are not accurately identified and articulated the issue is never settled and though the abusive moment may pass -- it is not resolved and just sits there right below the surface where the smallest scratch can bring it all pouring out again. Once it repeats, you are now in an abusive relationship and this type of abuse victimizes women and men alike and is also prevalent with teenagers and young adults.

So how does one reach a heightened level of emotional awareness and articulation?