Al B: Advice to Sasha

I had another blog planned for this week, but after seeing a post by "Sasha" I felt it was important to address her issue. Thank you Sasha for being brave enough to reach out and ask for help.

Posted by Sasha 09/25/09 5:53 PM:

Sasha: "OMG THIS IS BY FAR THEE BEST ADVICE ON RELATIONSHIPS THAT I HAVE EVER GOTTEN FROM THIS WEBSITE AND I TOTALLY OPENED MY EYES AND AS FUNNY AS IT MAY SEEM IT CAME JUST AT THE RIGHT TIME BC I AM IN A NOT SO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP UNTIL NOW..."

Al B: Well Sasha, first let me say thank you very much. I am glad to help. Secondly, you are already in a better place because you KNOW what is happening in your relationship and that it's not healthy, so GOOD FOR YOU! Many people take years to find out, others never do.

Sasha: "... I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO DEAL WITH IT BC IN THE PAST IF I WAS WITH SUM1 AND THEY SHOWED ANY SIGNS OF PHYSICAL ABUSE BIG OR SMALL I WOULD DROP THEM ON THE SPOT BUT I AM HAVING A PROBLEM WITH DOING THAT IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. WHEN I GOT INTO THE RELATIONSHIP I KNEW THAT HE HAD BEEN ABUSIVE TO HIS PAST GIRLFRIENDS SO I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO BUT BOY WAS I WRONG."

Al B: Sasha, I have to ask -- If you knew that he was abusive in the past, why did you even start with this guy? You knew who he was and got involved anyway? Sasha, from your post, I can tell you are brighter and braver than that, in fact your own previous instincts were right on! I tell folks all the time: "LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!" It will rarely, if ever, steer you wrong. Sasha, I have yet to meet or hear about someone equipped to "handle" an abusive relationship. It is inherently destructive and debilitating and there is not enough awareness in the world that makes it worth "getting into." (Please note, if you know someone has a history of abuse and has done nothing to try to deal with the issue, RUN - don't walk - AWAY! And don't look back! )

Sasha: "WE'VE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER A LITTLE OVER 4 MONTHS AND HE HAS ALREADY PUT HIS HANDS ON ME. AND THIS LAST TIME REALLY DID IT FOR ME BC THERE WAS ALSO VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE OUT OF ALL 3 OF THEM..."

Al B: There is NEVER a reason he should be putting his hands on you and there is no reason that you should feel he is justified. No one should get to the point where abuse is the answer to an issue in relationship, and that goes for the abuser and the victim. It saddens me to hear about the escalation in the abuse; all three forms of abuse can be equally devastating in their own way and each can lead to significant bodily harm or even death (at the hands of the abuser or by the victim's own hands).

Sasha: "DEEP DOWN I KNOW I NEED TO GET RID OF HIM BUT A PART OF ME IS STILL HOLDING ON AND I CANT FIGURE OUT WHY? CAN ANYONE HELP ME WITH THIS QUESTION PLEASE? WHY AM I HAVING A HARD TIME LETTING THIS RELATIONSHIP GO WHERE AS THE OTHERS WERE A PIECE OF CAKE. I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER BUT FOR SOME REASON HAVE NOT GONE FOR IT. IS IT CUZ BY HIM BEING PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE I HAVE LOST MY SELF ESTEEM AND SELF CONFIDENCE.. I JUST NOT SURE WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO DO IT..."

Al B: I am so sorry, Sasha that you have had to endure this abuse, but the good news is - as much as he would have you believe otherwise -- YOU HAVE CONTROL. You can choose to believe in yourself. You can choose that you, in fact, deserve better. You can choose to stop asking why. You can choose to stop arguing internally and act in your best interests. Today, you can choose YOU!

I hope this helps you Sasha, and anyone else who may be going through a similar situation. Below I have included some links to help find help and others resources with folks dealing with domestic abuse.

Signs You are in an Abusive Relationship
For Children Exposed to Abuse
State by State Directory of State Agencies Dealing with Abuse
General Information on Abuse
Tips for Escaping Domestic Abuse
Domestic Abuse Hotline: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 or NDVH.org

NEXT: That Stereotype Ain't Right!

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I think that one of the reasons why a person who is in an abusive relationship find it very difficult to walk away, is because they are still holding on to the personality(impression) of the person(abuser) when they first met in the beginning of that relationship. That feeling of love and happiness, they hold on to that emotion and tell themselves that their abuser could not be a monster, if they could show such devotion and kindness before they could do it again. Hey that's just my opinion..I'm no shrink!

Posted by Natalie 11/13/09 12:00 PM

WOW...Tyra I watched your show today and was blown away. You are beautiful inside and out. It is just so awesome that you made it possible for all of those young people to get brand new coats, gave a new leg and hair,etc... You will continue to have God's favor because you are generous with your blessings. Beautiful Lady, I know your Mom and Family are proud of you! I have gained new admiration and respect for you. I give you BIG PROPS... continued SUCCESS Ms. Banks. Luv U, Cindi

Posted by cindi 11/12/09 2:39 PM

Hey Tyra! i need some advice. There's this boy at school that i liked in previous years and i'm startng to like him again this year (about 3 years later). i always see him looking at me in the hallways and in class. i haven't had a full conversation with him or anything but i kinda gave him signals that i'm interested in him. i have smiled at him and i answered one of his questions that he asked me. as of friday, we are now "friends" on facebook. There's this haunted hayride place near my house. about 4 years ago, me, him and a bunch of friends went together to this hayride place. i had the best time there with him!the following year, i called him up to go with me but he wasnt able to go.i want to invite him there with me this year before the place closes, but i'm afraid to ask him since we havent talken to each other in a long time. It would just be us two at the hayride place. i dont no if i should ask him and if i were to ask him, should i ask him on facebook? my mom told me to ask him because she believes in the expression "you have nothing to loose and everything to gain" do you have any advice on the situation? thanks

Posted by Samantha 10/21/09 12:28 PM

I have been with this guy 4yrs. He was abusive in everyway. Just like sasha, it was da first abusive relationship i ever been in. I couldnt leave I wanted to so bad, I prayed to God everynite to take me out of this relationship and when God would open up a door for me to leave I Stayed. I was scared to leave i was scared to stay. I loved him so much i just felt like i could help him change. The girl i was in the inside he demaged. How could a person do another person this way. And im just now trying to pick myself back up 4yrs and 4months later at the tender age of 24. I finally left but i have not fully let go, I go see him about every other day i can tell he has not changed, honestly i dnt wnt to c him wit another gurl thinking he's going to treat her better but if he dnt get any help he will treat her the same. Thanks

Posted by lakissha hamilton 10/14/09 3:59 PM

CHEATING IS THE MOST DISREPETFUL THING 2 DO I WHENT THROW IT IF U CANT BE FAITHFUL THEN STAY SINGL

Posted by natasha 10/13/09 7:22 AM

i almost fell off my chair when i saw my comment being responded to on here.b/c i didnt realize how many other ppl r in similar relatiopnships like mine. thankyou so much for taking the time to respond to me and it is very good advise and it came just in time..thankyou al b..it is so true about following ur gut instinct b/c i have not done it a few times in the past and then regreted it later b/c it could of saved me alot of trouble. the best advice i found was when u said overall i was really the one in control not him. b/c i have so many choices and never looked at it like that before, i just thought i was stuck...but in reality im not..

Posted by sasha 10/09/09 4:57 AM

I WAS IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.IT IS THE WORST FEELING EVERY.I WAS BET ALL THE TIME,THEN WE MAKE UP,AND THEN HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN.HE WOULD ALWAYS SAY HE WAS SORRY.I HAVE A MAN HOW LOVE ME.BUT YET MY EX HAS A HOLD ON ME.DOESNT ANYONE HAVE ANY WAY TO HELP ME TO STOP GOING BACK TO HIM.

Posted by sade 10/06/09 4:16 PM

I was seeing this guy since dec 31 last year. He has was lying to me throughout the relationship. We were supposed to go out for his birthday on the 18th but he canceled on me and said he had to work fri, sat and sunday night. We shared mutual friends on facebook and didn't know. Came across a post he made on the mutal friends wall saying how he went to dinner, watched the fight and passed out drunk on his bday. Yet he told me he had to work. I asked him numerous times how his special day was and he never said a word. He can share that with someone he doesn't know all that well and I'm his girl and he couldn't share that with me. I confronted him about things sunday because I also saw comments he posted I found disrespectful towards me. He got upset and told me how his step dad was in the hospital for surgey for his cancer and I was upsetting him. We were speaking all week and he never mentioned his step dad was ill. I even asked him how his mom was doing and he never mentioned a thing. Had I known this I would have chose a better time to confront him. I asked him before to accompany me to the high school reunion. He said he wasn't going to bother go. I said ok if you don't go I won't go. I found out that he had every intention of going and not even telling me. Just say I planned to go with other people! But he lied and said he wasn't going. Back in may he cheated on me in miami and got some girl pregnant. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but

Posted by Heather Browne 10/04/09 8:38 AM

i am in a abusive relatoinship im 15 and he hit me all the time it was just playing at first but then soon it got serious any time he mad he hit me and i dont know wat to do because i love him so much my first boyfriend died and when i look at him i get that image of my ex i need help

Posted by shauntrice vaughns 10/02/09 3:46 PM

I NEVER BEEN IN A ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP AND JUST AS EASLY I CAN SAY IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IT COULD MY PHILOSOPHY IS WHAT BREAKS YOU MAKE YOU STRONGER SO ADMIT WHAT HAPPEN IN THE PAST AND HOLD YOUR HEAD UP TO THE FUTURE BECAUSE ITS EASY TO SAY MIGHT BE HARD TO DO AT FIRST BUT YOU AND ANYONE CAN DO IT AS LONG AS YOU ADMIT YOUR PAST AND LOOK FOR THE FUTURE

Posted by NIJAI BRATHWAITE 10/02/09 2:47 PM

No type of abuse should be tolerated by anyone. I have a saying I live by everyday and I taught it to my son's. Quote: Taught us the we treat you! Unquote. If, I don't hit anyone or speak rudely to them then I expect same treatment. If, I don't get same treatment then I walk out door and close it. Leaving them to deal with consquences. Abuse comes in many forms. So,keep your eyes open and heart closed to the feelings of 'trust' until you feel safe. Woman suffer from Batteried Syndome because a man treats us like one of the guys. We the woman are the only, ones to break that cycle take Al B.'s advice and don't tolerate abuse your worth more than that. Don't fall for I'm sorry its so, easy to say those words but until your partner goes to angruement classes you'll never be safe.

Posted by Linda L. Wheeler 10/01/09 7:40 AM

I am not in an abusive relationship..where the heck did all of this ish come from????? Is this a joke?

Posted by Sasha 10/01/09 7:35 AM