After watching the conflict between Chris Brown and Rhianna from afar and participating in a panel discussion on domestic violence up close, several things are very evident; many young adults are unable to effectively communicate their feelings and that lack of emotional articulation can contribute to emotional, verbal and physical abuse in a relationship. It's not all your fault though - - your would-be role models did not pass on these skills because too many of our elders lack the ability to communicate themselves.

How do emotional awareness and communication contribute to domestic abuse? Some forms of abuse (clearly not all) occur simply because a partner wants it to be known that their feelings have been hurt for whatever reason. The inability 1) to identify internally how and why the emotional trauma occurred, and 2) to be able to fully articulate those how's and why's to the person responsible, results in a combustible combination of fear, pain and frustration that builds to the point that it can manifest itself outwardly as abuse.

Instead of saying "what you did/said really hurt my feelings because..." the hurt party lashes out to inflict more pain/hurt back at their partner by picking an argument, hurling insults or physically attacking them. What's worse, is that since the emotions and trauma are not accurately identified and articulated the issue is never settled and though the abusive moment may pass - - it is not resolved and just sits there right below the surface where the smallest scratch can bring it all pouring out again. Once it repeats, you are now in an abusive relationship and this type of abuse victimizes women and men alike and is also prevalent with teenagers and young adults.

So how does one reach a heightened level of emotional awareness and articulation?

It's not easy and will take time, but it's easy to start. In Philly we use a slang term, "feelin some kinda'way." When I first heard the term I laughed and asked WTH? But then I was quickly hit by genius of it. It is the perfect first step to being more self aware -- because it gives the you the ability to say to yourself and your partner, "hey, something you said and/or did affected me, I can't really put my finger on it, but I know I'm not comfortable with it." Right away you have identified that feelings were hurt and you have articulated that to your partner, so now your partner knows and together you can talk about what caused you to "feel some kinda'way" and work on repairing the hurt. That's, however, just the beginning:

You must be brutally honest: with yourself! Sometimes your partner will be the cause of your emotional trauma, sometimes it will come from outside the relationship and you will take it out on your partner and sometimes it will just be your imagination -- once you HONESTLY identify the source you can articulate that to your partner and work to resolve the issue.

Develop emotionally maturity: It does you no good to identify why your feelings are hurt, if you are just going to turn around and start yelling. You may not be in a place to talk about your pain at that moment, so take some time for yourself to cool off. Also understand that your partner may not be able to express themselves, so if you bring something up and they react with yelling - don't yell back it will only escalate the situation and nothing will be resolved. Lastly, your partner may not be as ready to share as you are, just reassure them that it's okay and you will be there when they are ready to talk.

A resolution means it's resolved: If the two of you talk out an issue and both agree that it is settled, you CANNOT bring it up again. It is emotionally dishonest to do so and will erode your partner's trust, making future communication and conflict resolution very difficult.

If you and your partner employ these steps you will be far less likely to devolve into an abusive relationship. And always remember, whether you are a woman or a man, YOU SHOULD NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU FEEL JUSTIFIED TO HIT YOUR PARTNER, NOR SHOULD YOU BE IN ONE WHERE YOU JUSTIFY BEING HIT. In a loving, caring relationship there is no excuse for either and if you are in one, you need to end it and work on building yourself back up.