Wed. Dec 03, 2008 | 11:00 AM

How to get out of an abusive relationship -- with your BF, father or otherwise.

abuse.jpgHe tells you that you'll never be good enough or that you'll never amount to anything. He calls you names, criticizes your body or says that you're stupid. And he makes you question yourself and your value. Sound familiar? If these words, actions or circumstances are coming from the man you love -- whether he's your boyfriend, your father or another man in your life -- you may be the victim of emotional abuse.

Unlike physical or sexual abuse, there are no scars or physically painful acts that you can point to as harmful. But emotional abuse is just as painful, scarring and damaging to your self-esteem -- and you, in all your amazingness, deserve sooo much better. Unfortunately, emotionally abusive relationships can leave you feeling powerless, even believing that he's right when he says you're not a valuable, good person.

But the most important thing you can do is realize your worth -- just like Summer (a.k.a. Christina) did when she decided to leave the sex industry and take back her life once and for all. Take a cue from Christina and her amazing bravery and allow yourself the right to live in an environment where your worth is acknowledged and respected. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

And deciding that you don't deserve this kind of relationship is the hardest part. But once you do decide to recognize your fabulousness and get help, just know that there IS support. That step will be all the more easy if you reach out for help and support. Here are a few resources:

National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence:
1-800-222-2000

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence:
1-800-537-2238

National Women's Resource Center:
1-800-354-8824

Need more signs that you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship? Check to see if any of these apply to you:

  • He makes you feel like you're always wrong or everything's your fault.
  • He makes you think that you are of no value in the relationship.
  • You feel like you're intruding when you ask how his day was.
  • He says you're fat, stupid, ugly and no one wants or likes you.
  • He says you can't handle life without him.
  • He makes you feel like you can't try anything new.
  • You feel like you wouldn't be anyone without him.

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Hi Tyra I sometimes watch your show, and wish you were one of my homegirls that i can just call for some advice, but i guess i could be your cyber buddy(lol). I am 25, and i have 2 children, i work full time, and i am engaged to who i thought was my soulmate, and who knows he may be. The problem is he is very controlling, and he has serious trust issues. He supports me, gives me good advice, and i would consider him my bestfriend, but at the same time i can't go anywhere with my friends, do anything basically without him or my children. He does'nt want to share me with anyone. How can i help him to change? and if i can't, should i leave him?
Posted by Suzy 12/29/08 2:22 PM
 
When people say I won't amount to anything, I say, "It ain't my fault your parents told you that, so don't take it out on me!" I just walk away and feeling great, because i conquered the feeling that i won't amount to anything. I know that i am going to amount to something and i don't let people bring me down.
Posted by Brit 12/27/08 7:24 AM
 
I never thought I'd be in this position... I came from a good family back round where I was taught right from wrong and that any kind of abuse is unacceptable. I have been married 15 months (together 4 years.) The verbal abuse had been going on for about 3 years, and the physical abuse started about 3 months ago, getting more and more severe and more frequent. Tyra talked on her show about trusting your gut. If I hadn't trusted my gut 10 days ago, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog right now. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was waiting for me with his friend in our home after going to run an errand and had beaten me for three days straight not allowing me to leave the house. For whatever reason at that moment, something told me to tell someone, anyone. We'd had way worse arguments but I just had this pit in my stomach. I called my mom and told her everything. She saved my life that day. I filed a report and had the police escort me to my home and get on a plane to her. I currently have a protective order and will be serving him with divorce papers when I get back. I'm not going to lie and say it's not hard. I feel extreme guilt and still question what else I could have done to make it work. My saving grace is having a support system. I was weak behind him and the hardest part was just getting away from the situation. Now that I'm out, I can see clearer and I feel so dumb for staying. I will always miss THE IDEA of what he tried to portray to me he was. At the end of the day, it is
Posted by Anonymus 12/24/08 11:35 PM
 
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a year then we broke up and for some reason i got back with him and thought things were going to be great - I forgot all the bad things that had happened in the past... Well we got back together and i got pregnant and it seemed like things got worse. It was very hard to leave him but him being the way he was and the way he talked to and treated me made me really think about my son and how all that would be - so, thinking of my son and his well being gave me the strength to leave him - My son is now a month old and things are great!! I couldn't b happier!! I am glad that he is out of my life!! It is very hard to escape from somebody that brings you down and "owns" you. Being with that boy made me lose myself. It's crazy how someone so mean can have so much controll over you and how you feel about yourself... I wish lots of luck to the ladies struggling with mean men - people who try to controll you and act like they are bigger than you really are nothing...
Posted by Vanesa 12/23/08 7:41 PM
 
I was in a relationship that started out great then he moved to emotional abuse and then I got pregnant. physical abuse started when my daughter was about 6 months old, i was choked, punched, slamed against walls.. things got really bad. All i can say is it takes one person who cares enough about you wether its a friend family member or maybe someone you hardly know to make you realize there is so much more out there for you. Now its been three years and i just got married and i have my daughter and a step daughter and my husband tells me how beautiful and wonderful i am several times a day. things couldnt be better..SO ALL U LADIES IN THE SITUATION KEEP YOU HEAD UP AND KNOW U ARE BETTER THAN THAT!
Posted by Jinelle 12/22/08 3:29 PM
 
The man that has emotionally abused me is out of my life now i couldn't take everything he has told me so i left him and now im with someone that tells me everyday that im beautiful and that he is really lucky to be with me. its only been 6 months but i really feel that this is the guy for me i think after 2 or three years i can start the family i always wanted as a child.
Posted by Esmeralda Morales 12/20/08 3:59 PM
 
I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 9 YEARS WELL HES NOT MY HUSBAND BUT WE MAY AS WELL BE WE HAVE 5 KIDS AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT WERE 25YRS OLD HE HAS CHEATED ON ME AND HAS ACTUALLY THREATENED TO LEAVE ME IF I DONT PARTICIPATE HE HAS MADE ME HAVE SEX WITH MY OWN FEMALE COUSIN HE HAS BEAT ME (EVEN WHILE IM PREGNANT) AND HAS SLAPPED ME HES ABUSIVE TO MY CHILDREN AND HAS VERY SHORT TEMPER. BUT THEN HE HAS THIS AMAZING SIDE WERE HES A GREAT GUY AND AN AWSOME FATHER AND I DONT KNOW WHY HE ACTS THE WAY HE DOES I TRY TO LEAVE BUT IT NEVER WORKS I JUST CANT SEEM TO SEE MYSELF WITH OUT HIM SO NOW WHEN EVER WE FIGHT AND HE HITS ME I JUST HIT HIM BACK AND WE FIGHT LIKE MEN!
Posted by MARISEL 12/19/08 3:56 PM
 
I know that I can never be in an abusive relationship because I seen my mother go through one. I can’t even stand to see a man yell at a woman in the street without getting upset. I feel that abusive relationships are one of the worst things women can suffer. Some women have no way out. I just know that a man will never call me out of my name or raise his hands to me and expect me to stay. I would be the abuser before I am ever abused.
Posted by kiki 12/18/08 8:39 PM
 
wow...a lot of these sound like my boyfriend. he's both physically and emotionally abusive. i haven't told anyone that he's hit me before because i'm afraid of what they'll do. i want to end the relationship but i'm afraid of being alone because i know he'll just go get another girl to get over me. i don't know what to do we used to be so happy and i sometimes feel like its my fault that we're not. when i'm ready i will leave him its just that now i don't think i'm emotionally stable to do it at this time
Posted by natasha 12/18/08 8:00 PM
 
My on look with this topic is how I feel that most abuse starts at childhood. How some women fall for a man because he may say that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and that may be the first time she has ever heard that. By her falling for it, he knows he has her, he feels that he can do whatever he wants, and she puts up with it...Me personally, as a child I was told hundreds of times that I was beautiful and that I deserved the best. Still til this day, I feel that I am and that I do. When a guy feeds me lines, I simply laugh. I may be only 16, but I know some of the ropes.
Posted by Jameia 12/18/08 6:03 PM
 
I am a 22 year old single mother of a beautiful boy. But from 18-20 years old I was in a "severely" abusive relationship with my (soon to be ex)husband. I was emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually abused. My rights as a parent to my oldest son were terminated because of a social services case opened on his abuse. I left my husband 7 times before I was finally able to leave; and although I knew that it would be hard I never knew that I would overcome all that I have. In the past year I have overcome homelessness, substance abuse, pregnancy, and poverty. Although I am not even close to reaching all of my goals. I recently gained sole custody of our other son. I have my own apartment and pay my own bills. Even though I am currnetly on government assistance; I am also a full time student at the Community College of Denver and finished my first semester with a 3.69 GPA. I want to tell everyone that the most influential thing that can be done against Domestic Violence is speaking up! Don't ever give up. There is a better life out there that everyone deserves!! Thanks for your time and awareness. Don't give up on freedom. -strength thru pain
Posted by Angel O'Rourke 12/18/08 2:30 PM
 
Hi. My name is Alex. I am 19 yrs old and am hopefully joining the Air Force pretty soon. For the last 8 or 9 yrs, my step-dad has been, in my honest opinion, rude, vulgar, mentally and emotionally and verbally abusing me. I since came back from living in Missouri with my biological father, Gerald and my half brother, Justin. I spent two months up there. But prior to that, I had been on the road with m dad and my brother spending time with them and getting to know them. Before I was on the road with my dad and brother, I hadn't spoken to my real father in over 9 yrs. I was calling my brother one day to talk to him. And my dad was in NC with my brother and his mom (my dad's ex. But are still good friends.) My brother had to go do something, and I didn't want to get off the phone, so I asked to speak with my dad. Neither my brother nor my dad could believe that I wanted to speak with my dad. So, my dad and I had a good conversation. Catching up and talking. We had been talking for about two weeks before he asked if I wanted to move to Missouri with him and my brother. It was June or July then. I spent two months on the road with my dad before we settled down in Missouri. He was a trucker so he couldn't stay permanently at the time. Anyway, I told my mom and her husband, my step-dad, that I would be leaving soon. They didn't believe me until the day actually came and I moved out. Yes it was very hard to do, but I had no other choice but to move
Posted by Katherine 12/18/08 10:29 AM
 
I complety understand what all of you are going through. I was in a horrible relationship on and off for three years. I was cheated on, lied to mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally abused by my EX. I seemed to think that I had to be with him, its like he was my drug and I was addicted. I was horrible. All the pain and suffering I went through was indecribable. I was lucky enough to escape the relationship after he was sent to jail for a long period of time. But I still like hes still around because I still deal with the feelings he put me through. I have panic disorder, Post traumatic stress disorder and severe depression. It has been soo very hard this last year dealing with my feelings and anger towards him. But it has also been the best year of my life as well. Iam now in my second year of college working towards a Bachelors degree so I can become a Victim Advocate for the District Attorney or a Victim Specialist for the FBI. I am much stronger now and know what the signs are of a bad relationship waiting to happen. I see a therapist and am on medication to help with my anxiety and depression. I am trying to overcome my fears. but have still not dated since him. I wish you all the best of luck in finding a way out of the relationship because honestly, I dont think it will ever stop or get better. We need to make a plan and find something to do with our lives to stop this from happening aagin and keeping our minds of the abuser so we dont fall back into their trap. Good luck to all of you, god bless and
Posted by Amber Oregon 12/17/08 8:14 PM
 
I agree with you that it is abuse but what what do you do to leave that situation and try not to end up in the same predicitment the next go around?
Posted by keri 12/17/08 5:52 PM
 
I'm 19 yrs old I been with my boyfriend for over a year; I have a trust issue bc he had lie to me more than several times . But lately has been the worst when he gets really mad he heats me slap me and kick he call me names and make me feel like I'm not worth it, also he always remeber me the I was not a virgin and the he can marry me bc of that. Even my frinds tell to break with him but i just can't do it I always end up going but to him.
Posted by Susel 12/17/08 9:39 AM



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