Wed. Dec 03, 2008 | 11:00 AM

How to get out of an abusive relationship -- with your BF, father or otherwise.

abuse.jpgHe tells you that you'll never be good enough or that you'll never amount to anything. He calls you names, criticizes your body or says that you're stupid. And he makes you question yourself and your value. Sound familiar? If these words, actions or circumstances are coming from the man you love -- whether he's your boyfriend, your father or another man in your life -- you may be the victim of emotional abuse.

Unlike physical or sexual abuse, there are no scars or physically painful acts that you can point to as harmful. But emotional abuse is just as painful, scarring and damaging to your self-esteem -- and you, in all your amazingness, deserve sooo much better. Unfortunately, emotionally abusive relationships can leave you feeling powerless, even believing that he's right when he says you're not a valuable, good person.

But the most important thing you can do is realize your worth -- just like Summer (a.k.a. Christina) did when she decided to leave the sex industry and take back her life once and for all. Take a cue from Christina and her amazing bravery and allow yourself the right to live in an environment where your worth is acknowledged and respected. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

And deciding that you don't deserve this kind of relationship is the hardest part. But once you do decide to recognize your fabulousness and get help, just know that there IS support. That step will be all the more easy if you reach out for help and support. Here are a few resources:

National Council on Child Abuse and Family Violence:
1-800-222-2000

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence:
1-800-537-2238

National Women's Resource Center:
1-800-354-8824

Need more signs that you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship? Check to see if any of these apply to you:

  • He makes you feel like you're always wrong or everything's your fault.
  • He makes you think that you are of no value in the relationship.
  • You feel like you're intruding when you ask how his day was.
  • He says you're fat, stupid, ugly and no one wants or likes you.
  • He says you can't handle life without him.
  • He makes you feel like you can't try anything new.
  • You feel like you wouldn't be anyone without him.

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Hi Tyra, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 11 months. In the beginning, everything was perfect. He seemed caring and into me. The thing that turned me off from him was that he had this stupid 7 month rule where he wouldnt ask me to be his girlfriend until after 7 months of dating. I thought that maybe he had trust issues from past relationships. So I just went along with it and as time passed, he started criticizing me on not talking about politics, having no substance, dont wear eyeliner because it makes your cheeks look big, cut your hair short...its too long, the clothing I wore and I could never become friends with his friends because he said, "If we break up, I dont want it to be awkward". I started to feel worthless and insecure, but yet he would always smooth it over with, "youre the one for me..I want to marry you". I never felt comfortable speaking my mind because he would always manipulate every situation and put it back on me. I started to believe everything he told me because he brainwashed me. I ended up breaking it off when he wanted to take a break for 2 weeks until I flew out to see him during this summer. I said that we're not taking a break because you either want me or you dont. He told me, "well thats the thing, I dont know if I want to be with you". And I told him, its over and hung up on him. Since then, I wake up every morning feeling angry at the whole situation because I feel as though I was taken advantage of and I really hate how I fell for someone like that. I do know that I
Posted by Tara Ashlynn 09/09/09 4:30 PM
 
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Posted by Jyspzbun 07/14/09 1:28 AM
 
hey, Tyra i know my friend is being abuse she told me that her boyfriend calls her names, tells her that he doesn't love her, cheated on her, and even hits her and kicks her she showed me busies and she just keeps going back to him she says she loves him. and i can tell she not happy but she so down on her self i barely see her smile and i tell her all the time if u need anything just call me at anytime im afraid that something worse is going to happen. at first she didn't tell me her hits her but she told me all the bad stuff he does and then she finally told her and show me i was so sad to see her go though something like that she is so pretty but she doesn't think so at all i think she wants someone to help her but i don't know what to do
Posted by Holly 05/20/09 8:46 PM
 
I my self find my self in a emotional and sometime physical abuse. The only difference is that my husband of 7yrs does not call me names or hit me. He buys me everything he cans and always trys to give me the best! The problem is that when he gets mad he gets crazy, He starst trowing things around and screams n gets on my face and alaways makes me feel like it was my fault. Lately he has started to grave me and i am really scared of him. I sometimes do things or say things just to keep him happy. I always say i will leave him when he gets like that but it is hard we have 3 kids together and in the pass i have n e promise he would change n go to couseling whitch he did but it was just a matter of time before it all started again. The thing that has me all confuse is that he could be the nises n carring person but then again when he gets bad he turns into another person. i rea;ly don't know what to do, I been trying to be pation since i know he was not like this before. Everything started after his first deplyment to Iraq. He has now been there 4 times n i know it ws easy for him and maybe thats the reason I'm still around.. I just need help. I have always been emotionally abuse by my brother so am i used to it? I really don't know what to do.
Posted by Lonely 04/13/09 6:44 AM
 
Hello Tyra! I would like to say thanks. For been someone that women in there 30's can lookup to. I love your show.I am 36 yrs old and in a emotional abusive relationship,for five years. It started out with been called names and abusive words toward my boys. When I tried to leave he would do things to my car,pull guns out on me. Threating to kill my kids. The court system would not help protect me. But he took me to court and I received probration for protecting myself.Needless to say a cop finally locked him up over a warrant that I had for him pullig a gun on me. While watching your show on abuse april 10,2009. It is helping me make up my mind. Becky's mother said the right words. Abuser's are so sweet on the outside and DEVILS behind closed doors. My abuser sister and cousins. Stand up for him evening those they have seen him do this to everyone he dates. That sister was lying. Becky is lucky to have her mother. Keep up the work mom the truth will come out.Abuser mistreat you when they know you are not close with your family. She is smiling down from heaven watching you stand up for her. I am scared that if someting happens to me my boys are going to be on there on. He knows I have no one to help me. I am praying everynight he stays in jail, so me and the boys can get away. Pray for me!
Posted by sharp 04/09/09 10:48 PM
 
Years ago I was in an abusive relationship. It started out as the perfect relationship and little by little the verbal abuse started and then physical abuse follows. It was a horrible situation but thankfully I learned from this. Emotional abuse is so much worse than physical abuse. The bruises go away and scars fade but emotional abuse stays with you. I will always hear those inner voices repeating the put downs. I was shocked that the majority of your audience didn't see the verbal abuse as dangerous. It is so much worse. You need to do more shows about this and help people learn that verbal abuse is abuse. Love your show and I am Top Model Obsessed!!!!!
Posted by Sharon 03/26/09 9:40 PM
 
I think it's very important for everyone to recognize that abusive relationships come is all shapes and sizes. It seems to me that too often, abusive relationships are stereotyped into a man beating a woman. The fact of the matter is that an abuser is an abuser and the abused is the abused, no matter age or gender. For example, both my dad and me were abused by my mother. She was an extremely abusive person and a master manipulator. It's weird to think that my rock of a father was once bullied around by my less than a person mother. But he wasn't always as strong as he is now. And neither was I for that matter. Still, I refuse to say that I am a victim- because I am NOT! I am a survivor. It took me years to escape her rule but it happened. Anyone can be abused and anyone can be an abuser. It's whether or not you can recognize the signs and put your foot down before it begins. Unfortunately, I was a very small child when it was happening to me. Thus I had no control over it. Stereotypes don't help anyone. I know it's a growing issue, guys abusing their teenage girlfriends. Still, it's up to us girls to put our foot down and stand up for ourselves and each other. We are survivors.
Posted by Monica 03/21/09 2:10 AM
 
i hate it when a man hits a gurl. he has no right to do it whether he's her boyfriend or what. the way he disrespects a gurl is the way he disrespects everyone as well, including himself.
Posted by aix 03/14/09 4:07 AM
 
I am 18 years old 8 months pregnant and with an abuser life was nice and happy for 8 months and then he started showing his real side My abuser has cheated on me, hit me, and makes me feel worthless everyday now 3 years later he still hasn't changed now I'm about to have a baby with him and he still can't keep his hands off me I just wanted to say please don't put yourself through what I'm going through Ive got nothing except this beautiful child that grows inside my belly, I have to depend on him for everything because I can't work and I don't really have any friends anymore because don't believe it's right what hes done and is still doing to me and any chance my family even decides to talk to me they just want me out the state to get away from him I know where u girls are coming from I love him and I know he loves me but I dont want to live like this please think about it and what he's done to you and just remember you can't change someone that doesn't want to change
Posted by serena 03/13/09 11:28 PM
 
I was in an abusive relationship ... I had just turned 18 when I decided to leave with the guy.. My parents were not happy because they knew what kind of guy he was yet I still left. The first few months were perfect. He treated me like a queen he did everything for me, he bought anything I wanted etc etc. In about 2 months he stopped working and we moved in with his sister who was very mean she would make up lies about me or brain wash him about me and that's when he started hitting me. He would always tell me I was ugly, fat, worthless, and on top of everything he'd never let me eat, he'd cheat on me, burn me, locked me up in the room, I couldn't talk to my family, so many things... After he did everything he would also say Sorry but that it was my fault he acted the way he did... Things kept getting worse and I'd never finish telling you everything he did to me. But one day I said enough is enough and I left him. During the time I left him he had taken me to California from Iowa so I wouldn't be close to my family. But I got a hold of my cousin in California and he picked me up and I left back to Iowa.. I guess he found out and he went after me. I guess while trying to get me back he got a girl pregnant and was messing around with some other girl.. Well right now he's doing a life sentence in jail for murder... He killed the girl he was messing around with while she was pregnant but I guess the baby wasn't his. I'm so glad I decided
Posted by Anonymous 03/13/09 11:13 PM
 
All of that complies to me, but I don't know how to get out. He cheated a couple of times, and changed our relationship. I'm paranoid when he's out, I start trippin' if a girl calls, and its hard for me to take care of myself. What do I do?
Posted by Deanna 03/03/09 12:13 AM
 
So, reading just the first paragraph of that was what happened in my last relationship, but I didn't want to see it. My friends saw it all the time and wanted to help me to leave, and I wouldn't do it. I kept telling myself that it wasn't him, it wasn't the same person that I fell in love with. Finally, he actually broke up with me and that was the best day of my life! I was free of him and his crap! I was so happy! I'm now with someone who loves me for who I am and who helps me to over come everything that I went through. He is the love of my life and he loves me with everything he has in every way possible! So, it's possible to get out of it and to find someone who will treat you the correct way to be treated!
Posted by A.D. 01/13/09 10:53 PM
 
hey a couple days ago my bf and i got into a fight. It wasn't like beating or anything but it started with him sitting on my back. At first I was laughing hysterically and I told him to get off but he didn't the 1st time but the 2nd time he did. He kinda hurt my finger with my fave ring on it but no bumps or bruises. Is this abuse or just a bad day? please answer
Posted by Emily 01/11/09 4:33 PM
 
hey tyra. so i only see my grandparents on holidays and don't know if this is considered emotional abuse. my grandpa has called me fat on multiple occasions. on Christmas i have gone to get a piece of cake for my sister and he has said " oh Sarah... you don't need that. why don't you take a jog around the block instead." its comments like these that put my self esteem in the gutter. i want to know if because its my grandpa it is still considered an emotionally abusive relationship. tyra, i wish i could meet you. i really need a shoulder to cry on. nobody in my family seems to get it and it seems like you would be a huge help. please answer me back. i'm desperate.
Posted by Sarah Morgan 01/02/09 11:21 AM
 
hey tyra i was 14 when i was in my first real relationship. he was older than me and live in the apt building around the corner so i would always be at his house. everything was great at the begining. but things began to change. the first abuse i got was verbal. i didnt make much of it bc he would end up apoligizing to me. then began the physical abuse. he would push me and throw me against walls, beds, chairs, just about anything. he began to hit me because he would get jelous when his friends came around. he began to force me to have relations with him. i was always the type of girl who would say that i would ever let a guy treat me that way because i had seen my mom go trough it with my dad. i didnt know what i was doing. he was smart about it though. he would only hit me in places that people could not see. one day, while his friends were over, he called me into his bedroom and began to scream at me accusing me of cheating on him with his best friend. i tried to calm him down so that no one would see but he pushed me against the wall and began to slap me and shake me. his friends walked in and had to force him off of me. i went into the bathroom and they helped me get cleaned up and gather my stuff. as i walked out of the door he ran after me and grabbed me. we talked for a minute or two before he got outraed again and then pushed me down the stairs. his friends raced out to grab him before he could get to the bottom
Posted by brenda 12/30/08 12:58 AM



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