Helping a BFF Break the Cycle

How to reach out to a friend who's being abused.

Ladies, we need to stick together -- we cannot let our friends suffer in an abusive relationship. And chances are, you know a woman who is being abused. (The odds are staggering: Nearly one in three American women report being abused by a partner in their lives.) So what can you do? Read our guide to stopping violence again women and spread the word: We're not going to take it.

Take the First Step
There are a lot of ways we justify not speaking up: It's not our business. We can't butt in. You don't want to sound judgmental. But the answer is simple: Better safe than sorry.

Do Your Homework
Call around to shelters and programs that offer assistance for women who are victims of domestic violence. Then concoct an escape plan for your friend. Sites like Love is Not Abuse are full of advice and information.

Kick Start the Conversation
It's tempting to say, "I told you so," but don't. Choose your words carefully and be a soft place for a friend to fall. Start simple: "You seem unhappy." Or let her know you're there if she wants to talk. Just saying, "I'm concerned" and "I want to let you know that I'm here if you need support" might open her up.

When She's Ready
Share the info you've got. And don't be surprised if she gets angry or blows you off. Leaving her abuser may seem impossible -- especially if he's paying her bills and controls all the money. Tell her that a shelter will cover her basic needs. Survivors can also apply for grants through The Allstate Foundation. And if she blows you off altogether? Tell her you'll be there if she changes her mind. After all, isn't that what

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Hi Tyra, My name is Jasianna im 16 years old. I am a bright intelligent young lady. As i previewed through some your emails i seen that some of the girls have been through alot. Trust me i've been there and done it all but once you realize that the person that tou thought was there wasn't. Boys come and goes but you all are to young to be in this situation. One thing that i should say go head live your life. More parents should talk to their children instead of telling them not to do it because we all going to end up doing it any ways.

Posted by Jasianna 01/26/09 11:18 AM

Hi i am 14. I'm not a virgin anymore. I lost it to a 17 year old guy who made me belive he liked me as much as i liked him. He gained my trust. But he also got me high for the first time (I havent touched it since him ive smoked weed once and only once) But when he convinced me that it was fine he took me to a field where no one could see us and we had sex there. It hurt it wasnt what he promised me it would be. Then he said the second time would be better and we went into my room and we did it there. I was texting my friend about it the next day and i was in an all guy geography class. so the guy next to me read it and told all the guys in my class. I was then known as the school hoe guys were asking me to doing them in the bathroom and i was offered one thousand dollars to sleep with a guy for 2 hours i declined the offer. Guys that wouldnt even look at me before were treating me like they have been my best friend forever. Then the guy found out that it had gotten around school and was denying it saying he would never have sex with me. Which made me self concious so im now dieting at the gym all the time and i really dont know wat to do my older cousin whos like my older brother ive had to stop from hurting me cause for some odd reason i still like him sooo i dont know wat to do and im so confused i feel like im worth nothing and i know i shouldnt feel that

Posted by cassandra 08/03/08 6:39 PM

Hi Tyra well as you know Im thirteen years old and whenever i look at myself in the mirror all i see is a ugly,stupid, no life girl who doesnt have a future. When ever I think about my future all I see is myself working at a sstrip club or being a prostitute for monrey and letting random guys physically and emotionally abuse me for money. I even see myself letting my own husband abuse me, physically and emotionally. I dont feel pretty enough all my friends tell me Im not and so do people at school and Ive been hearing things like that all my life. All I have to say is I HATE myselr and who I am.

Posted by Kyada Hunt 07/28/08 10:31 PM

HELLO TYRA, I HAVE THESE DREAMS OF GIRLS IN ABUSIVE REALATIONSHIPS AND ACT THEM OUT IN MY ROOM WEN I WAKE UP... I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WRITE THEM DOWN.. BUT I DONT CAUSE I AM AFFRID SOMEONE WILL FIND IT AND TELL.. BUT WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT.. I THINK IS THIS WATS GOIN TO HAPPEN TO ME BECAUSE IT CARRIES ON EVERY DREAM.. AND I CANT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT LIKE I ONCE TRIED AND MY BEST FRIEND THOUGGHT I WAS SILLLY!!!! WAT SHOULD I DO??? P.S. MY FRIEND DOESNT BELIEVE ME BECAUSE SHE KINDA GOIN THROUGH IT

Posted by D-TOWNGIRL 07/22/08 7:27 PM

Posted by D-TOWNGIRL 07/22/08 7:25 PM

hi Tyra!! i love watching your show coz its not just entertaining but its also informative in a way that its a guide for the viewers of what to do and how to improve themselves not only physically but the whole being of a person.. by the my name is Tracy and I'm from the Philippines and I'm an abused child(emotionally,physically,mentally,verbally)by my own biological father.i'm really sick and tired of my father is doing to me,to my mom and younger siblings..but i can't do anything coz my mom doesn't want to leave my dad because she can't afford to raise us all.and divorce is not a good idea because our country doesn't have divorce at all..so,we just tried fixing things up through a nun as our family counselor, at first it got a good result.the physical abuse were not there anymore but the verbal, emotional and mental abuse is still there..i don't know what to do anymore...and the worst thing about it is that i'm so scared to be in a relationship or get married in the future for the reason that im scared that i might do the same thing too as what my dad does..coz since childhood its what i see as an example...plssssssssss..........help me...i'm so confused...i don't want my future kids experienced the same experienced i had with my dad.... i hope you could help me with this thank you so much..

Posted by tracy 07/22/08 11:36 AM

hello tyra, i love your show too much!!! but i had an abusive boyfriend because he is 13 years old im olny 12 yrs.he would jump and breack things. i boke up with him thxs 4 doing this show tyra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sincerly, brooklyn olson

Posted by brooklyn olson 07/18/08 1:48 PM

hi tyra, My bestfriend that I have know since 11 yrds old (i am now 27) is in a very structive relationship. I dont understand why she doesnt leave him alone. He never graduated high school, has a daughter that my friend is sooo inlove with, he refuses to get his GED, he would rather drive strippers around for money, talks down to her and calls her weak. THey decided to have a baby together and thenonce she got pregnant he tol dher she could never be a good mother, and so she got an abortion. He is always coming up short with bills, he is suppose to pay the rent and she pays utilities, but she always has to help out with other things such as the rent. She paid for his speeding tickets, gave his 2000 dollars for his new truck, he disrespects her infront of his own mother, she bought him a big flatscreen tv, and that is just a small portion of the money that she has given him. She has a great job, she is young, beautiful and has severly low self esteem. ME and her mom begs and pleads with her to leave him. I am so amazed that this beautiful, smart woman would deal with a tiny, short, unattrative, unsupportive, disrespectful individual. All she continues to day is that she love him, and she continues to have unprotected sex, without using any birth control with him. I have gotten to the point where I I am tires of being more concerned about her than she is concerned about her. What do you do when you get to this point? Please help.

Posted by LATOYIA 07/18/08 11:20 AM

My name is Caitlyn and i am now 20. From the time I was about 7 or 8 until i was 16 (and moved out) i was being sexually abused by my step father. I never told my mother because I was afraid of what would happen. when my biological father left, i saw the hell that she went through, i remember walking into her room when i was 6, and seeing her passed out with an empty bottle of pills beside her. i never wanted that to happen to her again. yet i sit and wonder more often then i would like to "how couldnt she have noticed? it went on for 8 or 9 years, and she didnt notice a thing?" a week after my 16th birthday, i moved out on my own. and have lived under my own roof since. my mom still doesnt know. I wish i could find a way to tell her.

Posted by Caitlyn 07/17/08 7:50 AM

i am 21 years old and have been through hell and back i have been in foster care since i was 7 i have moved from place to place until now. last year i was in an abusive relationship and i thought that he loved me even though he would do horrible things to me i wasn't allowed to leave the house even to take a walk by myself i couldn't wear girls clothing no make-up no bra when i talked to my friends or even my mother i had to have the phone on speaker right next to him he was a drug user and i started doing drugs with him by this jan i was fed up i couldn''t take the emotional abuse or the physical i thought this man tells me he loves me but he calls me fat and nasty and told me no one would love me if i left him i thought it was useless to even think that i would find someone out there who would love me for me. well i thought that i would share this story before this one so i left the abusive man after he stabbed me i left for vermont in jan to get away i stopped doing drugs the minute i left him i thank god for not being addicted to it i came back with no were to live no money no nothing but my clothes i have been struggling the last couple of months with very few clothes etc... i finally said instead of living in a shelter again i would stay with my mom well my mom isn't supposed to have ne one live with her but i have been for the past couple of weeks and so i decided to go to

Posted by Amber O'Donnell 07/16/08 10:28 AM

Hi tyra, i've been married for 3 years, and have finally started noticing a controlling side of my husband that i have never seen when we were dating, it was like this mask was tookin off, and the question has been burning threw my mind....does it get worse? can it get worse?

Posted by fona lane 07/14/08 9:38 PM

Hi Tyra, i've been married for 3 years, i got married at 18 and have noticed a controlling side of my husband that i never saw when we were dating, well i have been questioning the thought...does it get worse? can it get worse?

Posted by fona 07/14/08 9:33 PM

HI TYRA, MY FRIEND IS BEING ABUSE MENTALLY,PHYSICALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY, SHE BEEN DEALING WITH IT FOR 5 YEARS BY HER CHILD'S FATHER. HE BEAT'S HER AND SHE THINKS IT'S OK. SHE TOLD HIM TO GET A JOB AND HE TOLD HER THAT THE MANAGER SAID THAT HE'S TO PRETTY TO WORK.SHE PLANNING A FURTURE WITH HIM HE OBVIOUSLY DONT WANT IT. HE ALSO HAVE OTHER CHILDREN AN HE DOESNT DO ANYTHING 2 SUPPORT THEM. HE'S DRAINING HER FINANCIALLY..HELP US HELP A FRIEND IN NEED...........PLEASE TYRA

Posted by REAL ONE 07/13/08 8:04 PM

My friends Being Abused By Her BoyFriend... Shes Pregnant & He Refuses To Let Her Have It He Told Her That He Would Even Kill The Baby She Had To RunAway From Him I Talk To Her & Let her Know She Did The Right Thing But She Wants To go Back to him.. what do i do to stop her?

Posted by Angelica<3 07/12/08 9:33 PM

Posted by Angelica 07/12/08 9:32 PM