Brian: He Loves Her, He Loves Her Not...
05/29/08 9:17 AM
Over a few drinks, a friend and I got to discussing how unfortunate it is when a girl you've formerly had a crush on begins to crush on you, but then you, for whatever reason, no longer have a crush on her, or any interest in her at all for that matter. In my case the whole thing started four years ago when I moved to Chicago and was befriended by an incredibly nice, smart and attractive girl.
I was coming out of a fairly bad relationship and fell head over heels for this girl, and at the time she had some interest in me as well. Yet, we both were too afraid of commitment to do anything about it. So instead, we drifted headlong into that Bermuda Triangle of Relations known as "the Friend Zone;" wherein we merrily and platonically wandered through our mutually shared neighborhood in Chicago without so much as a drunken kiss.
In the following four years, she (my crush) moved to a distant city and we both found significant others, so I sorta wrote the whole situation off as "coulda, shoulda, woulda." Yet in the past six months the girl is back in town, she's single and she really wants to mingle with this humble blogger. But for the life of me, I can't bring myself to be interested in her in the slightest.
I still really enjoy hanging out with her and we've occasionally locked lips (and maybe a few other things) but the spark is gone and I feel the need to move onto greener pastures... or no pastures... or, at the very least, just not her pastures.
Meanwhile, my buddy who I was catching up with over a few drinks told me a similar story about a girl he used to have a thing for while she was stuck with a boyfriend. But now he sees the girl was trifling from the start, so even though she's newly single, he decided she really isn't worth the trouble after all.
So what we were both left wondering was why are crushes such a spontaneous thing? After all, in my case, at least, I still genuinely care for my used-to-be crush, I just have no interest in starting a relationship with her. So what gives?
next: The Science of Smooching
Email
Comments (17) | Post a comment now »
crushes are just that. Crushes. They are not life-long commitments. As human beings we change constantly whether we realize it or not, and at a given moment in time we may crush on someone for some reason or the other, who knows what attracted us in the beginning. we may have fell for their smile, a joke or something else that seemed appealing at the time. One shouldn't feel bad because they don't have a crush on someone anymore. You probably evolved and the thing(s) that you found so cute just doesn't do it for you anymore. It happens. Life goes on. We gain experiences that enlighten us or leave us jaded but in the end you can't fake your feelings. if its not there then its not there.
aw mann im in the same situation...a lil more complicated cos we started out as hookups and i never wanted to progress...however now im fully ready and i dont think he is...it sux this much sux about life hahaha i lie...but my "words of wisdom" so to say would be...i think afta having such longing feeling for the other the chase became better than the catch...u know how humans in general are weird about feelings like that...so i would rule it under...feelings were mutual but timing not really the best...furthermore i jst want to emphasis tht wen things like this happen. although unfair it might seam...its so great to know that life is so unexpected...the quirks defintely out weigh "NORMAL" haha
Ive the samething simmaler happen to me but he told me in 8th grade that he likes me and wev been best buds since 5th grade when he moved here from N.Y.C and he said he liked me in 7th and i asked him why he didnt tell me he didnt kno why but know he's moving this summer and ill never kno if ill feel the same way cause he's moving and goin to a differt high school and were in the same grade 9th grade actually and i dont know what to tell him if we should try goin out or not because im confused abought this if any of you kno whtat im talking abought then you understand my delema okay any advice would be good thkns????
Ive been in something simmaler but he's liked me since 7th grade and he tells me now so i dont kno if i like him to we have been friends since 5th grade and he told me he lked me but i dont kno if i feel the same way right now and he's moving this summer so i dont think ill ever find out if i would ever get the chance to see if i would like him 2 if we even went some where to hang out and see but now im goin into 9th grade an dhes not goin to the same school that i am but well still be friends....
I think that the reson crushes come and go so quickly like they do, is because once u have a crush on someone and u find out that they don't feel the same way the feelings start to fade away because u start telling yourself that it's never gonna happen. Plus the distance away from each other didn't help either.
Maybe you're not meant to have that kind of relationship with each other. Maybe your relationship won't (or shouldn't) fit a typical mold of friend or girlfriend. Maybe it's not a choice you need to make, maybe you can simply be "favorites." Maybe being each other's crush is a lovely relationship to have. Maybe...
maybe it was the "chase." Everyone wants what they can't have more then something they can easily get.
its amazing how we are all kinda in the same boat when it comes to love even though were continents apart. in kenya men usually do all the talking in this case i turned the tables and chatted up a dude i thot he was amazing and we clicked immediately after a 2 years i met him and he fell head over heels sad, i didnt feel the same we were at different places and even tho his appearance hasnt changed to me hes the guy i almost went out with!!
There was probably something about the girl that appealed to you for example how she talked, or the way she put her hair. After four years that certain thing about her may have changed which in return made you change your mind about how you felt about her.
this has happened to me! and i couldn't understand why after all these years of being secretly "in love" with this guy....i had no interest whatsoever. i finally got what i wanted all that time, but i didn't even care. its because we LOVE the chase or idea of being with that person and when they like you, you can't chase them anymore. and like others said you change, people change....its life.
Haha! That's so funny I was reading the start of this blog and I was like I have to read the rest of it! funny thing being this happened to me as well...
only when it happened to me... The guy I liked had absolutely no interest in me and every possible interest in my best friend. I was bummed because I really liked this boy (this takes me back to 7th grade!) So then after about 3 or 4 years I ran in to him again and he looked SHOCKED, seeing as how I grew up into a beautiful butterfly he wanted my number. But I blew him off, how dare he ask for my number when I was pining for him and everything as a youngster, so just as he did before... I blew him off. It felt great! what a jerk!! It made me realize how truly hollow he was and how much he cared for what a girl looked like on the outside instead of getting to know her as a person first. A few years later, he has a child, he's involved with drugs and gangs and God knows what else! Everything happens for a reason. Now Im happy some years later in a long term relationship. Thank goodness for fate! Haha! Ta-ta 4 now.
just follow your heart, and happiness will follow!!
hi ive been in ur situation also its so hard really...but just believe in urself i guess ders nothing wrong with dat..
Same thing happenned to me when I broke off with the father of my baby.I had a crus on this gy then he started hitting strong at me,the next thing he was in love with me.It really turned me off I totally lost interest in him.
It's possible that your heart is reday to move on, but your soul wanted to stay. Just follow your heart and you'll be ok...
I agree with Tonya, a lot happens in four years. And besides, you said you had just gotten out of a rough break-up when you met her, so maybe you were more vulnerable at the time, and therefore wanted more from her.
it's possible you've both grown, matured, or changed in the last four years. You still care because of the foundation you've established --- but you're both in different places to the spark is no longer applicable.