Ask the Guys: Question #7
05/30/08 9:00 AM
"I cheated on my boyfriend a year ago when things weren't going very well. Now things are great, and he wants to marry me. Do I come clean to start our marriage on the right foot, or should I leave it in the past and hope he doesn't find out after we're married?"
- Michelle
Bachelor #1 - Oh boy. Someone was a naughty girl! That's okay. It happens to the worst of us. I have been in your shoes before, except I got caught red handed. There are a million ways to cheat, but all it takes is one time to get caught, but you didn't get caught, now did you?
Think about it like this: Imagine you tell him what happened. Imagine you explain everything the best way you know how. Now imagine him saying the same things to you, regardless of what you have done. If you can accept the circumstances of his infidelity, then he probably can accept yours. If you can't, well, you should probably keep that skeleton buried, none the wiser.
It was a mistake; kind of like that dress you bought but never wore, that's now hanging in the back of your closet. No need to go telling everyone you made a bad purchase. We've all done some naughty things with people we shouldn't have. On the other hand, a good friend told me that you should always play the marriage thing with all your cards on the table. Now, in the game of poker, sometimes you get to discard and get new cards in return. This is probably the best strategy for you. Unless you're up all night thinking about your sexual truancy, let that romp rest. Cheating is a hard thing to get over. Just don't let it happen again.
Bachelor #2 - Okay, first of all I'm sure there are a ton of friend/family members/readers of the Tyra Banks website who all think you should come clean with your beau and simply fess up to the whole sordid affair. I am not one of those people. Honesty, although, usually the best policy, is not the way I would go in this situation. Here's why I think it's a bad idea to tell him about your tryst:
If you're really as happy as you claim to be with your man, then why complicate matters by bringing up what was, presumably, a one-time fling with someone who you don't care nearly as much for? I mean, it seems to me that you're pretty excited about getting married to this guy after storming a rough patch around a year ago when you cheated on him once.
If you cheated on him repeatedly, say, more than 3 times it'd be different, but in this situation the best-case scenario that can come out of telling him is that he flips out, calls off the engagement and dumps you. Bear in mind, that's the BEST case scenario. Look, cheating on people sucks, but what's done is done and telling him you cheated isn't going to erase that fact, but instead, it will build up a wall of distrust in his mind about you, right before you two make the biggest commitment to one another that anyone can make to another person.
If you really need to get this guilt (and that's what this really is about, right, you feeling guilty?) off your chest, please, write an anonymous posting on Craigslist.com in the "rants and raves" section. Or if you want to be old-fashioned about it, hand write an anonymous letter confessing everything that you did, stuff the note into a bottle and throw it into a vast body of water. I'm sure it'll be cathartic and certainly much safer for your relationship than actually explaining your cheating heart to your cuddly cuckold.
Email
Comments (44) | Post a comment now »
no FRICKIN way!!!
Then , everytime you have a little spat, guess what//
you CheATED on me, even though at that point you didnt, he will still see it that way.
any other time, i would say yeah, but not in this situation. heck NO! or you wont be getting married.
me and my boyfriend been together for 12 year every year we plan to get marry but he alway change his mind . what should i do help me
I think u should come clean and tell him u cheated but all remember to tell him how it happen tell him about the pain u was goin true but once u come clean never let it happen again he might forgave u once but not twice
If your happy with your man, why destroy a pefectly good relationship that it is now. Your just trying to ease your mind, what is done is done. And no I don't beleive it is ok to cheat, but I don't beleive it's ok to releive your mind by destroying the other persons heart with your confession of infidelity, it wont change the facts of what happened. Enter into your marriage with a clear and contious mind, look at it this way you to were on a break and you weren't married yet and you never know he may have done the same. He is a man after all, start your relationship anew from the day you marry and do your best of best to stay faithful to one another and communicate so there's less chance of this type of thing happening. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage, it takes work but they can last and workout.
If your happy with your man, why destroy a pefectly good relationship that it is now. Your just trying to ease your mind, what is done is done. And no I don't beleive it is ok to cheat, but I don't beleive it's ok to releive your mind by destroying the other persons heart with your confession of infidelity, it wont change the facts of what happened. Enter into your marriage with a clear and contious mind, look at it this way you to were on a break and you weren't married yet and you never know he may have done the same. He is a man after all, start your relationship anew from the day you marry and do your best of best to stay faithful to one another and communicate so there's less chance of this type of thing happening. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage, it takes work but they can last and workout.
I believe that you should tell him now. It would be better to tell him BEFORE the wedding and before yall are married. I see everyone is saying it was a mistake, keep it to yourself. My personal belief is that if you go into a marriage with secrets and lies it cant end well. How would you feel if it were reversed, and you had your wedding and it was beautiful and yall are happy, and you find out he cheated on you. Wouldnt you prefer to find out BEFORE the wedding, rather than being trapped without being able to make any choices? Imagine how you would feel if he told you after the wedding, put him in your shoes. If yall are meant to be he will be forgiving and yall will work through the issue. Or would you rather already be married and have a rocky marriage based on lies? I dont think that what happens after the vows is the only thing that matters. Lets say he cheated on you 40 times before youre married, does that make it okay since it was before your vows? NO. (sorry this statement was a response to well-married) My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 5 years, and a year ago I found out about a infedility he had after we were together for a year. I was devastated. If I were married to him I think it wouldve been worse, because thats like marrying under false pretenses. If someone marries another person thinking theyve been faithful, and they havent been, to me thats false pretenses. I think the whole, "what he doesnt know wont hurt him" mentality is immature and decieving....
If you want this relationship to last, please keep this secret to yourself; especially since you guys were having problems at the time. A mistake is a mistake!
so what is basically bein said is that its okay if you dont get caught..or its okay if you dont telll him or anyone else that could tell him??? what if he cheated...what if he cheated with some one who has an std??? he didnt get caught..and hes not gonna tell anyone...so its okay right??? it is never okay to lie or cheat... ever! then you are not the person he believes to be marring.
UMMM....NO! Men and women are very different when it comes to forgiveness. trust me. he might have done the same thing, at the same time, but he wil NEVER tell you. Do not tell him. Your only going to make him doubt who he thinks you are. And do not tell anyone else thats human and can tell him. us women have this little thing that makes us tell on ourselves sometimes.Some things realy are better left unsaid. =0)
Look, if this is eating at your conscience, and you feel compelled to tell, don't wait until after you're married to tell him. Otherwise...
contrary to popular belief, men REALLY don't want to know about your past exploits. Even if they are unknowingly involved in them!
Look, I dont know if you actually care for the opinions we're giving you but... I am a VERY understandble person. I am pacient and I always think about the other persons position before I take actions in ANY situation. And once, my boyfriend cheated on me... Let me just tell you this: there was NOTHING 'understandble' ou 'pacient' about me, at that moment! I just burst into tears, freaked out, told him to f** off and tried to move on. And I had a hard time trusting any man for a while. If you need to get it out of your chest, pass that burden to somebody else, not HIM! If you love him, and want to stay with him... keep that 'litlle' secret far from him
I'm portuguese, so if there's something wrong with my english... cut me some slack, please.
I think you should be totally honest and tell him, every one makes mistake and you are one of them. If he is the guy that you think you want to marry then maybe he will surpass tha and forgive you and i think you love him. In the future you will have ups and downs but no matter how you and your significant other may go through alot of downs be patient and be there for him, no matter how much of man he may be.Good luck in your future endeavours!!!!
Dont say a word.
I dont think you should tell him...i say that because females and males handle things differently. If he knew he would probably go into this fit and probably would be mad because you waited so long to tell him....then that would just bring more problems. If your happy now, thats what matters. Like stated before just dont let it happen again!!!!
To Start off with a good marriage it has to have a clean foundation. And A Secret such as that one would ruin your marriage. So do yourself a big favor and tell him!!!!!!!
I don't think you should tell your future husband that you cheated on him.
I think you should have thought ahead toward the repercussions that might occur if you cheated on anyone in any relationship and be ashamed of what you did because regardless of how many insensitive selfish people say you should be forgiven and have done that same thing. What you did was wrong! And any man with a brain and any self respect should have no problem disposing of you accordingly because that makes you TRASH. And you should find some dirty person that accepts that behavior and then see how it feels when it happens to you. Does it seem worth it now? 5 or less minutes of short lived pleasure for a lifetime of anguish getting Karmic-ally paid back for what you've done. It was your fault, and you should have to deal with the results not just forgiven. But Just FORGOTTEN for good. And Not married to.
How about taking a moment to think about how the person that got cheated on might feel. Did you cheat with someone who knows your fiancee? Someone you see on a daily basis? If there is any possible way your fiancee will find out from any other source but you, then you need tell him. How much of a chump do you think he will feel like if he finds out from someone else after your married that you cheated on him? Besides that maybe he deserves the chance to decide if he wants to be with someone who cheated on him when things got rocky. I hope you don't think marriage is going to be all puppies and kisses, there are rough patches even after you get the ring on your finger. What will you do then? I'm sure you didn't intend to cheat when you did, what's to say you won't do it again in the future. Your fiancee has a right to know exactly what he's getting into and to be allowed to make that decision on his own. After all a faithful person deserves a faithful person, or at least the ability to make that decision.
i think i luv this guy but both times i went out with him i got hurt ive got no clue wat to do?
YOU NEED TO TELL HIM. I can't believe everyone saying you shouldn't. Seriously, TELL HIM! Give him the same respect you would want. And, marriage? I don't think you're ready just based on the fact that you cheated on him just a year ago... you probably need sometime to chill and be "free" (AKA sleep random people whenever you can). If you are truly content in your relationship you wouldn't even be able to stomach sleeping with someone else.