Thu. Jan 18, 2007 | 6:47 PM

Dr. GarryTough love is for tough problems, and the people who have them. Tough love means taking a strong, direct approach with the person with tough problems. Those problems affect not only the person with the problem, but the people around them and in their lives. Tough love means deciding to not stay stuck in the problem, or go along with it anymore. It means saying to the person making the bad choices, "This has to stop, I am no longer going to participate in choices that deepen this problem, I am committing to acting on a solution. I am no going to support your bad choices any longer, especially by going along with them, or feeling trapped and victimized by them." It is exactly like pulling on the brakes when a car has gone out of control.

It is important to remember that there is a difference between a person and their behavior. We can love a person, but hate the choices they are making and the behavior that comes from it.

Tough problems and the people who have them are best characterized by:

a. a problem lasting longer than six months.
b. a person stuck in the problem and resists the solutions Often they "defend" the problem, or explain why it can't change, or why they can't take the indicated action to make things better.
c. a person denies the truth and/or depth of their problem behavior, and the consequences that result from their choices that affect them and the others around them.
d. they minimize the impact of their actions, or the size of their problem. They keep secrets, and protect them.
e. they deny their own free will in relation to the problem. "It's not their fault".
f. will not listen to the reason of others, and resist treatment attempts.

Tough people with tough problems need to see Tyra and Dr. Garry as regularly as possible....and maybe even indefinitely. If you, or someone you know, need some tough love advice from Dr. Garry, share your story below and maybe you'll be asked on the show!


NEXT: Recover from Problems with Debt
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I too have a boyfriend whos addicted to "wow" world of warcraft and i can never seem to get him off the game. he had started the game when it first came out and hasnt quit till we first found out i was pregnant. then in my second trimester he started playing again. we now have a beautiful son whos loves his daddy but never sees him. if you ask my son where daddy is he will show you. he in his own room we dont share a room anymore. im raising our son and trying to go back to school at the same time my sons grandma's and i are supporting my son. i wish he could be the man i fell in love with. please help me tyra. i just want to be a family
Posted by christina kewley 11/20/09 8:08 PM
 
Hi Tyra First i wanted to say that I love you show. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and is a vary rare person because you have alot of selfrespect and respect for others. That is why I wanted to ask for your advice. Im 17 about to be 18 in June. I have a daughter that was bornon may 2008. I am currently with her dad who cheats on me with multiple females. I want to lave but Ifear that he will use that as n excuse not to see our daughter. My dad left me for a few years and I used to cry asking why doesnt my dad want me and it makes me cry to think about her aking me the same thing...
Posted by Jazzme alle 05/31/08 7:18 PM
 
Dear Tyra, I wonder if this is one of the many blogs or articles I will read about tough love and abuse. I myself have been in many abusive relationships. Just recently I moved back to my home town of Texas, from Florida. Were I lived for a short time with my boyfriend. Which started to take an abusive turn. I wonder some how if this is even relavent.But when does abuse really stop? Sure people can walk out of relationships. Like I have many times. But when does it really help? I find that if people such as myself walk out of relationships constantly;we began to have serious issues with abandonment and commitment. So why even leave the relationship? I'm sure just like many females like myself. I will go back to the one I love. Who also can be a little rough. But sometimes they just need help. The tough love everyone so kindly says! Here is something I once read on the web somewhere. "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.-unknown author."
Posted by Melissa 09/12/07 3:20 PM
 
Dear Tyra, I wonder if this is one of the many blogs or articles I will read about tough love and abuse. I myself have been in many abusive relationships. Just recently I moved back to my home town of Texas, from Florida. Were I lived for a short time with my boyfriend. Which started to take an abusive turn. I wonder some how if this is even relavent.But when does abuse really stop? Sure people can walk out of relationships. Like I have many times. But when does it really help? I find that if people such as myself walk out of relationships constantly;we began to have serious issues with abandonment and commitment. So why even leave the relationship? I'm sure just like many females like myself. I will go back to the one I love. Who also can be a little rough. But sometimes they just need help. The tough love everyone so kindly says! Here is something I once read on the web somewhere. "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.-unknown author."
Posted by Melissa 09/12/07 3:17 PM
 
Dear Tyra, I'm not quite sure what category this comment should go under I'll just try this one. I'm writing to you on behalf of a very good friend of mine. I'm a very young girl and already I understand how difficult and how much work a relationship can be but, I need to know, how much work is too much work? My friend and her boyfriend have been together for awhile now and everything was picture perfect up until, about 3 months ago. He was a very sweet guy and still is today, when he wants to be. He has a problem of getting mad at very little things..I mean little (microscopic)and he always seems to pick a fight with her maybe not every single time but, for the most part yes. They have broken up once before, she wanted him to change his ways and then she would give him another chance but she gave in way before that time. He had made some minor changes for about a day or two and once they were back together it all went back to "normal". I know she knows she desearves a MILLION times better and he knows that too. We all know it. I think she is in a verbally abusive relationship, she thinks so too. She just can't seem to get out of it. He is a good guy he is but she thinks his friends have a lot to do with the way he changed, he says he'll change for her and tells her he loves her but then he goes off and treats her like s--t. There is MUCH MUCH MUCH more to this story but hopefully you get the idea. Please write back ASAP!!And keep up with your amazing show!Love and support! Thanks for
Posted by anonymous 09/01/07 9:37 AM
 
i am 27 years old and i have 4 guys that want to go out with me and 2 of them wants me to marry them right a way i don't know what to do with these 4 guys and the other 2 i real like them they make me happy please help i'm going crazy cause i don't know what to do
Posted by melissa 08/24/07 9:21 PM
 
i am 27 years old and i have 4 guys that want to go out with me and 2 of them wants me to marry them right a way i don't know what to do with these 4 guys and the other 2 i real like them they make me happy please help if you can thank you muskegon
Posted by melissa 08/24/07 9:10 PM
 
After seeing an episode in Australia, 'Tough love with Dr. Garry',I found that Autumn and Shawns story of his addiction to the video game 'World of warcraft' was scarily similar to my own (and Im all the way in Australia). My partner, also Sean, has been playing the game for the last 2 and a half years. At first it was just a weekend thing but now it has grown to a full blown addiction.Like Shawn my partner also works full time and finishes about 3.30/4pm and is staight on the game from when he gets home until 1 am in the morning. We dont yet have children but this is putting a huge strain on our relationship and he doesnt see it. I dont care what anyone says, this game is bad news. We no longer have a social life together. He no longer has a social life at all with People in reality only with those on the game. This game should be banned as it ruins lives.
Posted by Allyson 08/21/07 7:26 PM
 
Dear Tyra, My boyfriend and I are very young parents. I'm 18 and he is 21. When we first met he wanted to be a white rapper. That was cool with me then, but now, We have a child and she is 4 1/2 months old he needs to step into reality and realize hes not going to be a rapper and get a good job to take care of our beautiful little girl. Please help I don't know what to do anymore.
Posted by Tricia 08/19/07 3:24 PM
 
hi diana, i was in a relationship like that for 17 yrs. all he did was drink, drink, drink. it took me a long time to realize just how bad i wanted out. my 2 girls and i left him 3 yrs ago. i found a wonderful man, was with him 3 yrs. before he passed recently. sure is wonderful to be away from that kind of life. my first and i was commonlaw also. good luck to you and ur children.
Posted by nora 08/13/07 4:53 PM
 
hi Tyra I live in canada in bc and came across this disscuion and it fit just right. ok i am not used to doing this but here is my story. i am a 27 yr old mother of three wonderful humans and am in a reltionship with a selfish mentally abusive commonlaw partner. i never really knew how bad it was til a few months ago. i am now in the process of leaving and taking our children with me and have the help and support of his mother. over the years he has taken off on the weekends to go drink with his buddies and leaves on friday after work and returns on sunday morning or evening. he gave no mention to me at all and never phoned while he was away. i used to get angry and yell when he returned and he would say to me he went away because i was a mean !@#$%. he has kicked me out about three or for times over the years. the last time was two years ago and while i was away i cheated thinking we were done even though i told him and felt like i still loved him. that was not the first of my indiscretions but it was the last. there was only one other time. he has never forgiven me and i understand. but he calls me on it every time he is angry with me. he has called me a s@#$ many times and feels justified in doing so. when i moved bck in things were great we had a great two years after until a month ago when he told me to move out. i thought he meant it and started looking for somewhere to go. when asked later if i had
Posted by Dianna 08/13/07 12:01 PM
 
Hi! I have a message from my heart to all of your hearts...I lost my boyfriend aug.9, 2007. we've only been together for 3 yrs, and now he is gone...LIFE...CHERISH WHAT YOU HAVE ONE DAY AT A TIME, AND REMEMBER LIFE IS SHORT DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED, FOR ONE DAY IT ALL MAY BE GONE THEN YOU'RE LEFT WITH SO MANY FEELINGS THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH IT. REMEMBER THAT ALL THE LIITLE UPS AND DOWNS AND SPATS THAT YOU MAY HAVE ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE nora
Posted by nora 08/11/07 8:20 AM
 
Dear Tyra, Im a very shy person and i've have liked this guy for 3 years now he's cute, nice, smart, and was a football player at our school, he's the perfect guy for me and my first love!! So we started hanging out and talking alot and getting close. Then everything just kinda stoped for a while. Where we didn't talk or even hang out anymore. Then he started hanging out with one of my friends. I dont know if i should just forget about him and move on or fight for him and tell him how i feel!! I really need advise Please Help, Sarah
Posted by sarah 08/02/07 2:19 AM
 
I am 25yr of age and live in South Africa. I am not sure which season of u'r shows is currently broadcasted by our networks but i watch the show everyday!!!! Tyra, it jst makes my day to see all the great things you do and that you truly are a new age angel. I wanna ask some advise about me and my husband. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for about 5 years and are married for 9 months. The problem is that we have very bad communication, we would start talking about things and it would end up in a big fight where we would just go silent and not talk it thought or not even talk to each other for hours/days. He feels everything thats wrong will jst fly over and i don't! I'm always telling him that communication is the key to a healhty relationship. I feel frustrated cause we've got a good relationship going on and i always support him in everyway possibly but the only thing i ask him is to try and to understand my emotions but he always tells me i make things bigger than it is. I am not a girl that ask any material things in life all i'm asking is that he support my emotional needs. I know one day he'll be a good father and that he loves me very much but Tyra love is'nt always the only factor which is important there is sooooo much more. I feel that the heart must come first and emotions and feelings should be treated right were he is a very practical person and say thinking of to many things complicates life. Sometimes i feel as if i'm crazy and all these things i'm moaning about is jst stupid. I don't know if it
Posted by Priscilla 07/31/07 6:50 AM
 
Tyra or Dr. Gary I need help, Im so desperated, my husband has a problems shopping he tends to be on Ebay, whenever we go out he lets his kids get whatever they want even though they dont need the things. He is the same everytime we go out he has to buy clothes shoes anything he sees.I cant take this no more. I dont know how to tell him to stop with out hurting his feelings. Plus he doesnt help me with any of the house shores. What should I do? I wish he could be more careful with the money he spends and start saving to buy a house
Posted by Mary 07/15/07 8:04 PM



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